“Expectations vs. reality” probably first makes you think of a funny meme, there are millions! But when you apply the phrase to real life it’s a strong, at times painful, theme in motherhood. If we’re not aware of the expectations that we’re setting, we could cause ourselves unnecessary frustration and disappointment. My goal is always to think the best and dream big but recognize what is in my control and what isn’t so I can right-size my expectations.
Expectations vs. reality example
Let’s take my trip to the zoo with the girls last summer, where my expectations were different than reality, as an example.
When I thought about going to the zoo with my kids, I glamorized the heck out of it. I was certain they would be enamored by every animal, tell me how much fun they had, sit quietly to eat snacks, and be the very best listeners. I was picturing the cute moments we would have and the long nap they would take afterward.
I’m sure you know where this is going.
It was hot and I was so sweaty, I forgot sunscreen, they were upset with me because they wanted a stuffed animal from the gift shop, my infant blew out her onesie, and I had to shove all of them into a bathroom stall with me with a baby carrier strapped to my chest so I could pee. And of course, they napped on the 30-minute drive home but refused to sleep when we got home.
It was a normal toddler-infused trip that honestly wasn’t too bad, but my expectations for the trip were so high that it set me up to be disappointed.
This is a classic case of expectations vs. reality. I bet we all have experiences like this. Maybe some are even coming to mind for you now.
You tried to recreate a Pinterest birthday cake and it was a hot mess. You thought you got the perfect Father’s Day gift for your husband only to find he’s really not into it. Or maybe you thought, “I’m not going to buy that wall art, I can make it!” and you ended up spending more money for something you threw in the trash.
It’s so easy to get caught up in the dreamy outcomes that you’re expecting and feel a pang of disappointment when things turn out differently. When we set our expectations unrealistically high, we can easily turn a day that would normally be categorized as a “good day” into “the worst day”.
Over the last several years of motherhood, I’ve really started to realize that the delta between our expectations and our reality is a big factor in the joy and happiness we experience.
And it’s not easy when we live in the world of social media to avoid comparison or the pressure to meet unrealistic standards. Your daughter’s hair should be done up with bows every day. Your house should be impeccably clean. Your kids should eat all organic food. Cooking dinner is a delightful family bonding experience. Your children listen and don’t throw tantrums.
It’s so easy to see the good, sparkly, and perfectly curated feeds of others online and expect your life to be that way 100% of the time.
My reality? My daughters are lucky to have a ponytail in their hair, bows are reserved for holidays. My house is clean-ish most days and tragic other days. Our kids eat candy, cereal, and ice cream, all in moderation. Between the hours of 5pm and 7:30pm our house is complete chaos. And our children throw tantrums that make me question every life decision I have made.
So often our expectations are set unrealistically high and our reality is far from it.
Let me be clear. I think you should set high expectations for your life. Dream big. Go after things that feel a little out of reach. Live a full life! And at the same time, remember what is in your control and be generous with your grace and flexibility for the things that aren’t in your control.
Motherhood is beautiful, but it’s also really messy. And our priorities often have to shift to take care of the little humans we are raising.
Right-sizing your expectations isn’t an exercise in dulling your bright dreams or stifling your excitement. It’s a strategy to proactively give yourself grace and space to change what’s important in the moment without disappointment.
Here are some things I do to right-size my expectations vs. reality
Know and respect my limits and my kids’ limits
Over the years, we get to know ourselves and we get to know our kids. It’s important to keep in mind the things that we know will cause us stress. It doesn’t mean you avoid those things forever, it just means you make plans to set yourselves up for the best possible outcome keeping those things in mind.
Let me give you an example.
I tend to get really stressed when I’m hot. Maybe this sounds dramatic, but I know my limits here. I just don’t do well in heat. I burn pretty easily, I sweat like crazy, and everything seems to go downhill when that happens. If I know it’s going to be hot and sweaty, I can prepare by wearing the right clothes, adding a hat and deodorant to my bag, packing cold drinks or a cooler, and maybe even bringing a change of clothes if we have something to do after so I feel refreshed.
Another example.
I will not expect my kids to power through naptime and be perfect angels when we’re out to dinner that night. They need rest to be their best selves. So I will either find a way to honor naptime or bake in a lot of extra grace for them at dinner time knowing they will be tired and might breakdown more easily.
Prioritize my list
Do you have an endless list of to-dos running through your head or jotted all over your notepad?
I love a list. I find that writing things out helps me remember that I have to do it and it also takes those things out of my brain and lightens the mental load. Lists are great, that problem becomes when I expect to get everything on that list completed in an unrealistic time.
If I expect to complete 89 things in 20 minutes (sounds like me, lol), I’m going to be really disappointed when I only get through 2 things on the list.
I find it incredibly helpful to prioritize the things on my list. Take that long list of things and star the top three. Or take your top 3-5 things and put them on a fresh piece of paper. It doesn’t mean the other things aren’t important or will never get done, but it does mean that when you tick three things off your list that night, you’ll be happy, instead of disappointed. Everything else becomes a bonus!
Prep for the things I can control and detach myself from the rest
Some things are in our control, others are not. One of the keys to right-sizing expectations for me to is think through the things that I can control, prep for those, and detach myself from the rest.
Letting something crush your spirit that you had zero control over is not worth your time! I’ve been there and it’s just not worth it.
Let’s use my zoo trip example from the beginning. I had control over what time we went to the zoo, if I brought sunscreen or not, and how many snacks and drinks I packed. You could even argue that I had control over avoiding the stuffed animals at the gift shop. I didn’t have control over the weather, my infant’s bowels, or when my kids nap (even though I definitely wish I did)! I need to right-size my expectations for the chance of hot or stormy weather, I need to bring an extra onesie in case of a blow out, and I need to remember that it makes sense if my tired, hot children fall asleep on the car ride home instead of waiting until we get home. If that all goes to heck, I
It’s a subtle mindset shift, but worth the expectation setting.
Communicate my expectations
I often forget that my expectations may be completely different than the expectations of those around me, like my husband and kids on a weekend trip or a friend on a girl’s day. Asking what their expectations are and communicating your own can help right-size everyone’s expectations and make for a smoother trip or a more joyful girl’s day.
Think through good, better, best
Similar to prioritizing, running through the “good, better, best” scenarios can help you mentally prepare (i.e. set expectations) for how the day, event, whatever, might end up. In many cases, this might be extreme and totally unnecessary. But let’s say you have a long weekend trip with your family and you’re so incredibly excited, you can feel expectations being very very high.
When all else fails, come back to gratitude
When in doubt (or when all goes to shit), I (eventually) come back to gratitude and remind myself of my favorite quote — “Be happy not because everything is good, but because you can see the good in everything.”
Understanding the relationship between expectations vs. reality is a superpower
Once I started to understand the relationship between expectations and reality. And once I started to be aware of the things I can do to set myself up for success, I felt so empowered. And while it was tough to catch it in the beginning, I have become more and more aware everyday and it feels so good!
You’ve got this!!
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