How to talk to a pregnant woman, from a pregnant woman 🙂
Despite the horrible first trimester sickness I had this time around, I would say I’m part of the expectant mom population that enjoys being pregnant. And while it’s tiring and at times uncomfortable, the bump feels freeing to me and I like how my body looks while pregnant. But I am well aware that not everyone feels this way about pregnancy. For many women pregnancy brings up feelings of body insecurity, even if they thought they were long forgotten (I have spurts of this!). For others, they feel sick, their skin breaks out, and glowing is far from how they feel. A pregnant belly draws attention to the expectant mom whether they like it or not. And in certain social situations, like at the bar hanging out with friends, a belly can feel out of place and cause discomfort.
Being pregnant is a beautiful thing, but it doesn’t always feel beautiful and it’s also a very personal journey on display for everyone to see. Before I was pregnant myself, I didn’t realize how many unsolicited comments a pregnant woman gets on their physical appearance. Probably because I enjoy being pregnant, they don’t seem to bother me. But woah. When you’re pregnant, even complete strangers want to talk about your belly, your body, and your choices.
Before I get to the examples of things that have been said to me (and some from my friends), I do want to point out that I think people mean well when they comment on a pregnant belly. They are captivated by the beauty and mystery of pregnancy and they are definitely not thinking about how their comment could be taken negatively. Most likely their intention is to be sweet.
I decided, since it wasn’t something I fully understood before being pregnant and going through it, I should help others understand how to make pregnant women feel nothing but wonderful during this time of never ending changing and stretching.
Avoid commenting on belly size and how the mama is carrying the baby
Things I’ve heard…
“Wow you look like you’re ready to pop”
“You’re so tiny, are you sure there’s a baby in there?”
“You’re already 30 weeks? Doesn’t look like it!”
“I can tell your pregnant in your face”
“You’re just so much bigger than I ever was while pregnant!”
“You are carrying so low”
“You’re bump is pointy” (lol at this one, mine seriously was with Hayes)
“Your bump is kind of….weird looking”
“You’re all belly!”
Why to avoid it and what to say instead
It’s best to avoid commenting on the belly size + shape of a pregnant woman or anything about her appearance, really, because you have no idea what baggage comes with it.
She might already be self conscious about her belly and her body for one reason or another. Maybe the doctor as concerns about how the baby is growing or she feels anything but glowing and kind of resents the bump at the moment. And if she’s not feeling blah about it there’s no need to give her a reason to!
Alternative comment: You look beautiful, how are you feeling?
No need to comment on the amount they are eating or what they are eating
“Didn’t you just eat?”
“You need to eat more!”
“Should you be having that? You’re pregnant.”
“Come on, you can eat whatever you want, you’re pregnant!”
Why to avoid it and what to say instead
Personally, I have such a hard time figuring out my hunger during pregnancy. One minute I’m starving then 10 seconds into eating I have no more room and couldn’t possibly eat more. In the morning I eat constantly, come afternoon and evening I barely eat a thing. On week 12 I couldn’t stop eating hot n’ sour soup, in week 26 I couldn’t stand to think of it. How much and what to eat while pregnant is kind of a mystery, even to the mom. Most likely she’s trying her best to honor her cravings, her hunger, and what she thinks is best for the baby.
Alternative comment: Isn’t it just amazing how you give your baby everything they need? You look beautiful, how are you feeling?
There’s no need to touch the mama’s belly without permission
“Awwww, look at this belly”
“Can you feel them kick yet?”
“I want to feel them kick”
Why to avoid it and what to say instead
Thought starter…would you ever touch someone’s belly that isn’t pregnant? No! haha. It actually makes me laugh to think about that happening.
It’s a seriously personally thing to do and while not all expecting moms care, you do not know what side of the fence someone is on unless you ask. And asking just sets up mama to feel uncomfortable if they want to say no. Personally, I don’t mind when people touch my belly while pregnant. I definitely find it funny who is ok doing it because usually they are not close to me at all. But you have no idea if someone is uncomfortable with it or not and even asking puts them in a strange situation.
Alternative comment: You look beautiful, how are you feeling? Have you felt the baby kicking yet?
Remember, delivery stories and judgement aren’t necessary
“You don’t have to be a hero”
“My friend is a labor and delivery nurse and she told me about this one lady who…[insert terrifying story here]”
“Really? Why would you do that?”
“Oh you’re 26 weeks? That’s how far along I was when I went into labor”
“GET THE DRUGS”
Why to avoid it and what to say instead
When I was pregnant with Hayes I listed to The Birth Hour podcast on repeat while I walk around our neighborhood. For me, the more information I know about all of the things that could happen, the more prepared I feel, but again, not everyone is like that! So many of my friends find it scary to hear about other birth stories, especially ones that weren’t super smooth. Because I love birth stories and I’m very open about sharing my experience, which is why this is the one that I’m the worst at. I tend to share and not think about how it might be interpreted. Sorry to anyone I have pushed my birth story on 🙂
What also falls into this category of how to talk to a pregnant woman is passing judgement based on how the mama is planning on giving birth, drugs or not drugs, home or hospital — it’s not your birth, it’s not your choice. All mama needs is support and good vibes, she’s doing what’s right for her and her baby.
…p.s. if you’re interested, Hayes’ birth story is on the blog!
Alt: Wow I can’t believe that you’re due in 8 weeks! You’re looking beautiful, how are you feeling?
Maybe pregnancy comments are meant to prepare us for parenting comments
The truth is, commentary on pregnancy is just the beginning of the scrutiny and opinion jungle that parents, especially moms, go through when they have a baby and start parenting. So if you’re an expectant mama, my best advice (that I need to remind myself to take) is to ignore the haters, laugh off the strange comments, and get use to knowing you’re doing your best and feeling completely enough because of that. Easier said than done, but you can do it.
How to talk to a pregnant woman — You look beautiful! How are you feeling?
Many of these comments I shared and reflected on probably seem benign. And for many moms they might be! But pregnancy hormones are real, body insecurities are real, the fact that everyone is just doing their best is real. The truth is, growing a human is hard work! And mama should feel nothing but love the whole time.
How to talk to a pregnant woman is pretty simple. When in doubt just say, “You look beautiful!! How are you feeling?” It works every time.